There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
