dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
