I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
