So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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