WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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