i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
