if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
