I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
