They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
