shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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