I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
