remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
