I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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