Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
