So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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