my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
