When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
