Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just forgot I was standing up.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
