I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
