Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
