Got a toothbrush?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
