and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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