I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
