Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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