fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
