so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
