She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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