man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
