You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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