I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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