My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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