I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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