im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
