Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
