yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
