I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
