the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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