moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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