I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
