Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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