it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
