we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
