I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
