Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize