I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize