I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
