Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
this just has baby written all over it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
