with your own penis?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
