I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
