I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
