How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
