her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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