I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
