It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
