I will die if light touches me.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
