yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
