I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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