Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
